


Just keep your head up, love, keep your head up, don't hide away, don't ever change

by SilverShadow1



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Anger, Brief appearance by the Liberty Tigers, Charlie and Alex have a talk some days after the riot, Fluff and Angst, Inspired by 13 Reasons Why (TV), M/M, Miscommunication, Monet's (13 Reasons Why (TV))
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:21:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24922996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverShadow1/pseuds/SilverShadow1
Summary: Liberty's newest and seemingly perfect couple may be adorable on the surface, but plenty is left unsaid between them.ORAlex finally admits his sexuality was his to tell when and how he wanted to tell it.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Comments: 15
Kudos: 95





	Just keep your head up, love, keep your head up, don't hide away, don't ever change

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Perfect Now" by Louis Tomlinson
> 
> Prompt from Canadian_31: Charlie and Alex’s first fight and make up

To the untrained eye, there are no downsides to being one half of a “perfect couple.”

Everyone sees the cuteness. The soft exchanges. The gentle touches. The shared smiles. To the outside world, everything is peaches and cream.

Until said couple has their first fight.  _ Especially _ when it’s brewed underneath the surface.

So, that’s what currently ran through Alex’s mind. Thoughts about how he and Charlie seemed perfect on the surface. Thoughts about how he wished the reality was as glamorous as the appearances. Thoughts about how they got to that moment where he flinched  _ yet again _ when Charlie made a move to touch him in public.

He didn’t have to look at Charlie’s expression to tell that they were going to have a fight and it was going to be ugly. So, when Charlie took him to the music room and turned to face him, he braced himself. Nothing came, though.

“Aren’t … Aren’t you going to say anything?” he asked. That was a mistake, he realized, as Charlie’s jaw tightened.

“I figured I’d let you go first. You know, explain why my boyfriend is so repulsed by the idea of me touching him in public.”

“I’m not re -”

“Bullshit,” said Charlie, flatly. Alex flinched. Charlie  _ never _ got angry. It wasn’t in his nature, but Alex has hurt him so much. There’s only so much you can take before you completely snap from anger. “You’re trying to push me away. You regret it, don’t you?”

“Regret what?” said Alex, hearing the distress in his own voice. The confusion.

“Regret becoming boyfriends. I know you’re not touchy-feely, Alex, and it’s okay. I’m fine with that, but putting my arm around your shoulders? A hand on your back? These are things that friends do as well!”

“I know,” said Alex, dejectedly. “I’m sorry, Charles. I don’t … I swear, I’m not trying to push you away! I just don’t … I'm not sure how to be a boyfriend. I care about you so much and I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I’m trying, though. I want to be better.”

“You’ve got a funny way of showing it.”

Alex almost wished Charlie would get angry. Start slamming things and shouting. Maybe then they would get somewhere. He just looked exhausted at this point. It was the end of the first week since the school reopened after the riot and to say things were already exhausting was grossly understating it.

So, maybe he needed to help things along. Get Charlie to say everything that’s on his mind.

“I don’t know what else you want me to say,” said Alex, finally. “I really fucking don’t. I said that I’m sorry. I’m not sure when that stopped being enough -”

“WHEN YOU KEPT SAYING IT!” shouted Charlie. “Jesus fucking Christ, Alex! When it stopped having any meaning! Don’t you realize how shitty it makes me feel to see you let our friends go and touch you? When Zach throws an arm over your shoulder? When Jessica rests her head against your shoulder? When Ani playfully kisses your cheek? I know it’s all meaningless, but it makes me feel even less important!”

“And I could even get it if I thought you weren’t ready for them to know about us, but they all do!” continued Charlie. Alex watched him pace across the music room that he used to spend hours in after Hannah’s death. His heart was pounding in his ears, as if the percussionists were there with them. “Everyone fucking knows we’re a couple. It’s not like it’s some big secret -”

“You’re right, it’s not a big secret,” said Alex, sharply, cutting him off. “My not knowing who I am didn’t last long enough to be a fucking secret, Charles. Ani and Clay took it upon themselves to take that away from me and everyone just accepted it, which yeah, I guess I’m supposed to be happy about that, but every moment since they told everyone … since they told  _ my _ thing … I’ve felt like I’m in a fucking free fall!”

“So, no, I’m not fucking repulsed by you. You’re the brightest, most beautiful thing in my life. But I’m also not secure in any of this. How can I be? I haven’t felt fully secure about anything since Ani and Clay decided they could dictate who knew that I’m not straight.”

Alex looked away as Charlie’s face crumbled, not wanting to see the pain on his face.

“Alex.”

His head whipped toward the door and saw several of their friends standing there, ashen-faced.

“Terrific,” he said, sardonically. “Join the party. You’re all privy to the most intimate details of my life. You might as well join this relationship as well.”

Then, without warning, he roughly pushed a nearby music stand onto the ground, sending sheet music flying everywhere. Alex collapsed into a chair and put his elbows on his knees, tugging at his brown locks.

He heard quiet murmurs, and then footsteps. Then, he felt someone’s rough, calloused fingers gripping at his wrists to lower his arms.

“Alex, man, look at me.”

Tony.

Alex blinked several times and looked at the other boy. The protector. The one who makes sure others are okay before taking care of himself. The one who has become a closer friend to Alex than the latter could have anticipated.

“You’re right,” said Tony. “You’re absolutely right. It’s not anyone’s place to decide how big a thing your coming out is for you. Just because everyone was cool with it, doesn’t mean you were ready.”

“It’s supposed to be your thing,” Tony continued, “and we all got too wrapped up in the danger - of thinking we were protecting you and ourselves by talking about how close you and Winston were with each other.”

“There were so many better ways it could’ve gotten handled,” said Jess from the doorway. Alex looked at her. “A less invasive way to describe how close you and Winston were without saying anything.”

“Ani should have warned you one-on-one rather than acting like it wasn’t deeply personal,” said Justin, lowly. Everyone’s eyes were on him now. The amount of supportive exchanges between the two boys could be counted on one hand. Alex swallowed. “And you should talk to them both about how you’re feeling. It’s the only way it’ll get better.”

Alex pursed his lips, looking out the window.

“I’m not sure what’s left to say at this point,” he said, defeatedly. “No apology would take it back. I’m pretty sure that they wouldn’t apologize anyway. They’d say it was for the greater good. Like how he pressured you into coming forward, Jess. Publishing those tapes before you were ready to talk. Everyone knew you were the anonymous girl on the tape. He took that from you.”

“He did,” affirmed Jessica. She then walked over and squatted beside Tony in front of Alex. “And it made me really fucking angry for a long time. I eventually needed to make some sort of peace with it, though. Make it my own story again. Not his. Not Hannah’s. Mine.”

“This is  _ your _ story, Alex,” she said. “You get to decide what happens next and even if an apology seems meaningless, you deserve to be heard. More than anything, please, for the love of God, don’t let Clay fucking Jensen dictate your happiness. Not when the two of you,” Jessica looked at him and then Charlie, “are so great for one another.”

Charlie came over slowly and with slight hesitation, squeezed his shoulder. Alex instinctively covered Charlie’s hand with his own and squeezed it. He smiled faintly at the other three.

“Thank you,” he said, addressing them all.

The others nodded, taking that as their cue to head out again. He looked up at Charlie who was staring at him with sad eyes.

“I’m sorry for everything that I said,” said Charlie. “I’m sorry for not even considering that … that it was something deeper. I should’ve realized. It was clear when you came to sleep in our tent that you were upset and you knew we all knew.”

Alex shook his head.

“I’m sorry for provoking you,” he said. “You’re a good guy, Charles, and I knew you wouldn’t say what’s on your mind at first, but I shouldn’t have manipulated you like that.”

He exhaled when Charlie kissed the top of his head. Alex could still feel the trace of his lips when Charlie stood up straight again.

“Are you going to talk with them?”

Alex remained silent for a moment, his hand still resting on Charlie’s hand. It felt warm. It felt like home and something else. Something deeper. Maybe even something perfect.

“Yeah.”

***

“I’m not looking for an apology,” said Alex. “I needed to get this off my chest, though. For you both to hear it. I need it to not interfere with mine and Charles’ relationship like it has so far.”

The three of them were sitting in Monet’s, steaming mugs in front of them each, though Alex’s remained largely untouched. Charlie said he was more than glad to come with him to support him, but Alex knew he needed to speak with them alone.

The other two were sitting across the table and the looks on their faces were difficult to discern. They briefly exchanged a glance and when they looked at him again, Ani spoke to him first.

“You’re absolutely right, Alex,” she said. “I  _ should _ have come to you and only you after seeing you and Winston kissing. This group, our group … we get caught up in anger when we’re not immediately told about a new development, and it makes us lose sight of who we’re possibly hurting in the process. You deserved far more respect than what I showed you and, for that, I’m truly sorry.”

“Thank you,” he said. Alex turned his head when Clay cleared his throat and watched as the other boy paused.

“I do and say a lot of stupid shit without thinking it fully through first,” said Clay. “Consistently.” Alex’s lip twitched and Ani not-so-subtly snorted into her tea. “The worst part, though, is that most of what I do involves circumstances that are foreign to me. Circumstances that I haven’t experienced, but I act like an expert because somehow, the end always justifies the means. If telling the others meant protecting you and protecting our secrets, then it was worth it.”

“Except it’s not worth it if it hurts you further,” said Clay. “I’m really fucking sorry, Alex. The last thing I ever wanted to do was make your life any more complicated and I lost sight of the fact that we’re still fucking teenagers figuring shit out. There’s almost always a better way to deal with a particular situation, and this was one of those times with one of the ways you said. I’m truly so sorry.”

“Like I said … it was never about the apologies,” said Alex. “Thank you, though. Thank you for listening and for actually hearing me.”

They spoke about other things for the next 10 minutes until the pair bid him goodbye and went their separate ways. It wasn’t long after that when Charlie walked in with a couple of guys from the football team. An unusual sighting in Monet’s, but Alex texted Charlie that he could come when he was able and he must have hung out nearby with the other guys beforehand.

“Hey,” said Charlie, a hesitant smile on his face. He kissed Alex on the head. “All good?”

“Actually, yeah,” said Alex, standing up. “For once, it is.”

Then, without preamble, he pulled Charlie by the flaps of his letterman jacket and kissed him fully on the lips. Suddenly, the place was full of wolf-whistles from Charlie’s teammates, but it didn’t matter to his surprise. The feel of Charlie smiling against his lips and then the blinding smile he received when they separated made it beyond worth it.

They were worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, Clay is high key my least favorite character on the show and I don't in a million years imagine he'd ever own up to his past discretions, but this is what I'd LIKE for him to say (and actually mean) since he and Ani pissed me off tremendously with how they handled Alex's personal business.


End file.
